The What If Factor
by charmedangel025
Summary: Angel and Buffy get married and start a family. But,he dies, and when he comes back, she had a whole new life. Can they find their way back to eachother? Note: IMPORTANT author's note just added
1. Anger and Sadness

The What If Factor.

Chapter 1: Anger and Sadness.

**Rating: PG-13**

**Feed back: Give it to me, but be gentle.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff except for their daughters. Now, there is some name similarities between this story and my other story, A Day Of Grief, but it's a completely different story.**

**Author's Note: So, I'm sitting in my mother's office at work with nothing to do but type or read my drivers manual. Which one do you think I'm gonnna choose?**

Buffy looked at the grave stone. A single tear rolled down her cheek. This was so unreal. How could this have happened? Everything had been so perfect, and now it was different. She was falling apart from the inside out. She had barely held it together for her daughters, who didn't really understand what was going on. They knew that their father was gone, but were convinced that he wouldn't stay that way. Buffy had thought that at first, too. But now, she knew that he wasn't coming back.

Her beloved Angel was gone.

Angel had Shan Shued just after the final battle. He had found Buffy in Italy and showed her that The Immortal wasn't who she wanted. They had moved back to L.A. and into the Hyperion, before finding their own house on the outskirts of the city. Then, their oldest, Paige. Then it was Ava, fallowed by Katherine.

They had been happy. They still worked in the 'demon business' yet lived lives of normalcy. Until all of that had been stolen from her. A demon, that she had slayed the next night, had thrown a fire ball at Angel, and it had burned right through his chest. He had died moments later, in Buffy's arms.

Now, she stood and looked at the grave stone, Angry and alone. The girls were at the car with Willow and Xander. She turned around and began to walk away, doing her best to leave the memories behind her.

When she got to the car, one-year-old Katherine, or Kate, and three-year-old Ava had already been strapped into their car seats. Six-year-old Paige was standing outside the car, waiting for her. Buffy thanked Willow for watching them as she hoisted Paige into the car, as well.

They drove home in silence. When they got to the house, Buffy carried a sleeping Kate inside, as the other two girls trailed behind her. She put Kate in her crib then went back downstairs. "Mommy?" Paige asked, coming up to her. "When is Daddy coming home?" Buffy felt a sharp pain in her stomach as her daughter asked that. "Honey, Daddy isn't… Daddy can't come home."

"Why?" Paige asked, confused.

"Well, because Daddy went to live with Grandma, and Aunt Cordy, and Uncle Wes."

Paige's eyes began to fill with tears. "But… but they went up there and never came back."

"I know." Buffy said sadly.

"So, Daddy's never coming back?" Buffy shook her head as she held back the tears.

"No, Baby. He's not."

And she was angry that he wasn't.


	2. Stranded and Frustrated

The What If Factor.

Chapter 2: Stranded and Frustrated.

**Rating: PG-13**

**Feed back: Give it to me, but be gentle.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff except for their daughters. Now, there is some name similarities between this story and my other story, A Day Of Grief, but it's a completely different story.**

**Author's note: I've decided to make a lot of this first person. There will still be a lot of third person, though. And, most of the POV will be Paige's, their oldest daughter.**

-PAIGE'S POV-

The week after daddy's funeral, mom moved us to New York, to live with our Aunt Dawn. We lived on the outskirts, though. Mom didn't want us too close to the city. Aunt Dawn had finished college almost two years prior to that, so she had a job. Mom had left the school for slayers behind. She was letting Uncle Xander and Aunt Willow. Faith had been helping a lot, too.

We lived in New York for almost three years. We only went back to Los Angeles three times a year. The first time was to visit, check up on the school. The second time was always Christmas. And the third, was always on the Anniversary of Daddy's death. We would go to the cemetery and leave flowers. But, the first year, mom left something more than flowers there.

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-3rd Person POV-

Buffy rolled around in her bed. It was summer, and extremely hot in the three bed room house that she had bought with her sister, Dawn. They were on the outskirts of the city, just beyond it, near Buffalo. It was July, and the temperatures had risen. That was one of the things she hated about the west coast. On the east coast, the temperature was usually constant, the highs and lows not far apart. But, in New York, there were seasons. She wasn't used to the winter. And she didn't like it very much.

Her hair was long now, more then half way down her back. Angel had loved her long hair, so she almost never cut it. When she did, she never got more than and inch or two taken off. But, that night, she was regretting the length she had allowed it to get two. When she lay on her back, it stuck to the back of her neck and was itchy. When she laid on her stomach or on her side, it wouldn't stay away from her face. Getting extremely frustrated with the heat, being tangled up in her sheets, and now the added annoyance that was her hair, she furiously brought her hand up to brush it away, and scratched her cheek with her wedding ring.

Buffy threw the sheet aside and climbed out of bed. She flicked the light switch, but regretted doing so as the brightness stung her eyes. She tied her hair up in a high pony tail and went back to bed.

The next morning, she had taken a shower. While trying to brush her matted hair, the many tangles kept pulling on her scalp. "Oh, that's it!" She said. She threw on a pair of cut offs and a tank top and, with her scalp still stinging, she drove to the local hair dresser. When she walked into Sally's, there was no one there.

"Oh, hey Buffy." Sally said, confused. "What can I do for you? No one usually comes in this early."

"Chop it off." Buffy said, completely serious.

"Huh?" Now sally was really confused.

"I'm tired of it. Just cut it off. Chop. It. Off."

Buffy walked out of Sally's with her blonde hair just brushing her shoulders. A few days latter, when they went back to L.A. on the anniversary of Angel's death, the girls left their flowers, and as they walked back to the car, Buffy knelt down, her knees sinking into the ground. She laid a lock of blonde hair on the grass just in front of the grave. "Sorry, Baby." Then, she got up and walked back to the car.

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-Paige's POV-

And then there was Christmas. That was always hard for mom. She loved Christmas. But, she missed Daddy more than anything. She put on a happy face, and acted all cheery and Christmasy. Ava and Kat bought it, but I was old enough to know that it was just a mask. Mom was hurting, and me and Aunt Dawn did our best to make her feel better. On Christmas day, she seemed to have forgotten all the pain, which was nice. Until it came time for the dinner.

Mom was surprised when Aunt Dawn said the prayer and made the toast. That had always been Daddy's job. And then she was depressed all over again.

It got better. Day by dad, she seemed to hurt less, little by little. But, there was nothing she knew in New York, she didn't know anybody but Aunt Dawn and us. We all knew that she felt stranded in New York.

We knew because we felt stranded, too.

Finally, after three years, Mom decided that it was time to move back to L.A. Our house was still there; still ours. Willow's friend Oz, who apparently had come back into the picture before I was even born, was staying there, saving it for us.

It was nice to be home. But, what happened next was just confusing.


	3. Moving On

The What If Factor.

Chapter 3: Moving On

**Rating: PG-13**

**Feed back: Give it to me, but be gentle.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff except for their daughters. Now, there is some name similarities between this story and my other story, A Day Of Grief, but it's a completely different story.**

Paige's POV:

Unpacking the boxes, I would soon find, would be the least of my problems. I was nine years old when we moved back to L.A. from New York. My sister Ava was six, and Kat was three. When we were moving our stuff back into our house, my mom was being weird. But, that was understandable, for it was the house that she had shared with my father. When I began to put stuff away, she stopped me and said she wanted to keep everything in new places. I still don't understand that. But, I did what I was told.

That afternoon, I looked out side and saw my best friend's, Andy, playing out in the yard. I asked my mom if Ava and me could go play, and she let us go. Kat was taking a nap, so I figure that she needed some time to herself.

When Mom came to get us about an hour later, that's when it all started. She was re-introduced to Andy's dad, Ben. I knew that something was up when Mom walked away from their conversation smiling, something I saw her rarely do.

He came over for dinner a few days later. And, the next week, and the next. They began to grow quite close.

My sisters and I weren't happy,

Buffy's POV:

I didn't expect to fall in love. I really didn't. I was still madly in love with Angel. He was my one. I believe that, no matter how many people you date, or sleep with, that the universe gives you one person that you are just meant for. Angel was my one. But, Ben was a good guy. He was a lot like Angel, actually. But, I didn't let Ben into my heart as easy as I had Angel. He brought his son, Andy over for dinner once a week for about two months. Then, the kids would go play, and we'd sit on the couch with a cup of coffee and tell each other stories of our "one's." He was also still in love with his first wife, Karen, who had died when Andy was still just a baby. I told him all about Angel, and all my other friends, my mother.

Then, one day, he asked me to go out to dinner. I said that I couldn't, that it was still to soon. Now, I realize that it had been three years, but when you love someone that much for that long, it's hard to get over. He said that it had taken him a long time to get over Karen, as well. But, he let about a month of our weekly dinners pass, until he asked me again. I reluctantly expected. Then, I told him that I still wasn't ready. But then, after six months of persistence, and three years of dating, we got married.

My girls weren't that happy at first, but Paige had already known Ben, and she was ecstatic that Andy would be living with us. They moved into our house. We had always had an extra room. But, I was happy. And I hadn't been happy in a long time.

But then, my world broke apart all over again.


	4. The Strangest Feeling

The What If Factor.

Chapter 4: The strangest feeling.

**Rating: PG-13**

**Feed back: Give it to me, but be gentle.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff except for their daughters. Now, there is some name similarities between this story and my other story, A Day Of Grief, but it's a completely different story.**

**Author's Note: This chapter is a shortey. It's basically just to _really_ get the story rolling.**

Buffy's POV:

That day had started out just like any other day. I made breakfast while Ben helped the kids with something or other. It was the weekend, so it was mostly a day of just hanging around the house. We went out for dinner that evening, and while we were driving back, I suddenly had this strange feeling in the pit of stomach. The same feeling I got when ever he was around. But, that was impossible. Angel was dead. He had been for six years.

We pulled into our drive way and headed inside. It had gotten dark out. We walked to the front door, and as Ben unlocked it, I felt that feeling in my stomach getting stronger and stronger. It wasn't painful. It just felt... funny. I felt Kat tug on the bottom of my jacket. "Mommy, I feel funny." She said. She pointed to her stomach. I looked at her, confused. When Ben saw my reaction, he scooped her up and said, "I'm sure you just ate to much at dinner, sweat heart. You'll feel better in the morning."

"I don't feel _sick_, I feel _funny_." She told him. He took her inside. After Paige, Ava, and Andy had followed, I stepped inside the door. The feeling suddenly turned into a 'ping' type feeling. I looked around, expecting to see something. Maybe my Slayer Sense was Tingling. But, I saw nothing, so I closed the door and locked it.

That feeling stayed with me all night. After Ben had tucked the kids in, he found me in the living room. "What's up with you?" He asked, siting down next to me on the couch. I shook my head. "It's nothing."

"No, it's not. I know you well enough to know when there's something wrong. What is it?" I smiled.

"Really, it's nothing. I just have this strange feeling in my stomach." A bright smile came to his face and I realized what that could imply.

"Do you think you could be-"

"No!" I said, getting up, doing my best to laugh and not scream. I loved Ben, I really did. I had been ready to move on, start a life with someone else. But I still wasn't ready to have kids with anyone but Angel. Ben didn't really understand. He wanted us to have a child of our own. His wife had died a long time before Angel had. He had moved on for the most part. But, like I tried to tell him, we had four kids already. I just didn't have the time, and I wasn't ready. He shook his head, and went up to bed.

I turned all the lights off. I heard our cat pawing at the door from outside to come in for the evening. When I opened the door, I could feel eye's on me. It was like I knew they were reading me, looking deep into my sole. I looked around again, then went inside and up to bed.

And that feeling kept me awake all night, and I still felt it the next morning. Thats when I excepted that something was coming.

Wether I was ready or not.

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The next day, that was when every thing changed. _Again_. Sunday's were Ben's day to make breakfast for everyone. I could smell the pancakes from our bedroom. Kat and Ava found their way into the room, and jumped up on my bed yelling, "Pancakes, Mommy, Pancakes!" I threw the covers aside and followed them down to the kitchen.

Later that day, we were all sitting in the living room, doing what families do. The door bell rang. I said that I would answer it, got up, stepped over Kat and her coloring, and went to the door. What I found changed everything.

Angel was staring back at me.


	5. The Night That Started It All

The What If Factor.

Chapter 5: The night that started it all

**Rating: PG-13**

**Feed back: Give it to me, but be gentle.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this stuff except for their daughters. Now, there is some name similarities between this story and my other story, A Day Of Grief, but it's a completely different story.**

3rd Person POV:

Buffy felt all the air leave her body. She just stood there for a while, griping the front door. Angel didn't say anything, he just kept looking at her. Finally, she spoke.

"How?"

"I wish I could tell you."

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Buffy's POV:

"I wish I could tell you." 'Oh goodie' I thought. Yet another time where he has absolutly no explaination. I let out a heavy sigh.

"How long?" Was all I could manage to say.

"A few days. One day, I was up 'there,' the next, I'm standing in the loby of the Hyperian."

"Why didn't Gunn call me?"

"I asked him not to." That was when I started getting angry. How could he not have called me right away? Or atleast come here right away. I would have been more perpared.

"Are you... Okay?" I asked. He slowly nodded.

"I missed you." He said. I looked away from him, avoiding his eye's. I didn't say anything. Then, I heard Kat scream, "Daddy!" She ran over to me, and nocked into the back of my leg, trying to stop. She flung herself forward and grabbed onto Angel's leg, tighter then I'd ever seen her grab any toy she was keeping from her sisters.

Angel nelt over and scooped her up, holding her tight. "I missed you." He told her, and I could here his voice shake with the tears he was holding back. "I missed you, too, Daddy." Kat said. He put her down.

"Buffy, who's at the door?" I heard Ben ask, and I knew right then that it was over. Angel looked at me with broken eye's. "Who's that?" He asked. Before I could answer, Kat said, "We have a new Daddy, now." Angel gave me the same heart broken glance before turning around and walking down the steps. Kat screamed after him, but he just kept walking.

"Angel! Don't you _dare_ leave without talking to your kids!" I yelled at him. He stopped, then after a few moments, turned around and slowly walked back to the door. He pushed passed me as he entered the house. Ben looked horrified.

"Honey, I thought you killed vampires, not brought them back to life." I don't know if he was trying to be funny or what, but I glared at him as I walked to the kitchen. "Introduce yourselves." I ordered as I went to get his other two daughters.

I told them what was going on, and the second after I did, they ran off.

This was going to be interesting.

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I tucked the girls into bed and went back downstairs. Angel was siting on a couch that hadn't been there when he was alive, and looked uncomfertable. I sat down on the loveseat across from him.

"Thanks for staying." I said. "You can not _imagine_ the war zone it would have been if Paige and Ava found out that Kat had seen you and they didn't."

"I'm sorry. I should have come sooner."

"You're not wrong." I said.

"So, how long have you and Ben been married?" He asked after a while.

"Three years. We dated for three before that. He's a really great guy, and he's amazing with the kids."

"Just tell me they don't call him Dad." He said, seeming to be afraid of the answer I had. I could have told him the oposite, hurt him like he had hurt me. But I couldn't do that. For as much as I was angry at him, and at the powers for turning my life upside down, I would never use his kids to do so.

"They don't. You're still the one and only."

"In their lives, at least." He mumbled. I stood up.

"Hey, you don't get to do that." I said to him.

"Do what?" He asked.

"Come back after _nine _years and be all pissed that you're no longer part of my life."

He hung his head. I fixed my comment. "Which couldn't be farther from the truth. We have three kids, and you can see them when ever you want. And, I will always love you, but I have Ben now, and I really do love him."

"You really think that's what I wanna hear right now?" He asked, standing up as well.

"I come back from being _dead_ and I just wanna come back to my family, which isn't even mine anymore. So, I think I reserve the right to be 'pissed.'"

"Angel, the girls will always be your family. I told you, you can see them when ever you want. Hell, you don't even have to call first. You could move in next door and drop by ten minuets before dinner starts, ask them to have dinner with you, and I'll let them go."

"Okay, _thats_ and exageration." Angel said, laughing slightly.

"It _really_ is," I said, laughing too.

"Look, I'm not gonna keep them from you. So, you just let me know when you get settled, and we'll work it all out. And, if you need help finding a place or something, I'd be happy to help."

"I figured I'd just stay at the Hyperian."

"Sure, of course."

We said our uncomfertable goodbyes, and then he left. And little did we know, that that night had started the decade that would ruin our lives.

Or would it?


	6. The Favor

The What If Factor.

Chapter 6: The Favor

**Rating: PG-13**

**Feed back: Give it to me, but be gentle.**

**Willow's POV:**

**2 Years Later...**

I was _terrified._ I had been avoiding Buffy all day. Every time she turned the corner, I turned down the opposite corridor. I just knew that if I saw her, I wouldn't be able to lie to her; that I'd spill the beans. Angel had made me promise not to tell her. I wanted to, really, I did. But, like I said, I had made a promise.

I was in my class room, grading papers when I heard the door open. I knew by the heels clicking on the linoleum, that is was her. The person I had dreaded all day.

"Hey Will." She said, cheerfully. I froze.

"Oh, uh... hey, Buffy." I stuttered.

"What's goin on? I haven't seen you all day." She said, sitting down on a chair in front of my desk.

"N... Nothin." I said, burying my head further into my pile of papers.

"Will, what's goin on?" She asked, more serious this time. I didn't look at her. She reached over and took my pen out of my hand. "Willow, talk to me." She said, slightly demanding.

"Buffy, I can't."

"And why not?"

"I made a promise."

"To who?"

"I told you, I can't tell you."

She cocked an eyebrow. "It's Angel." I couldn't believe it.

"How did you know?"

"Because, if it had been anyone else, you wouldn't have been as weird. Tell me."

"Alright, no need to push." I said, cracking like I knew I would.

"Angel asked me to make him human."

**Buffy's POV:**

"Angel asked me to make him human."

I couldn't believe it. Angel had asked Willow to make him human.

"Why?" I asked, extremely confused. Willow again, got all weird. She looked back down at her papers. "Buff, can I have my pen back?" She asked, not looking at me.

"Not until you tell me why." She sighed, and without looking at me said,

"He wants to marry Nina."

**Paige's POV:**

When Daddy started dating his old friend, Nina, the werewolf, I was less then pleased. I mean, sure, she was really nice, but it was like my mom was dating Ben all over again. As much as I liked Nina, I had always wanted my parents to get back together. Who doesn't? And, I figured that with him back from the dead, that they had another chance. Apparently, I had been very wrong.

Or was I?

After Aunt Willow turned Daddy human, he and Nina got married, and moved into a house just down the street from our own. Me and my sisters saw him plenty, but we wanted him back in the house. We wanted our parents back together. But then, things got even more hard, even more hopeless.

Nina gave me, Connor, Ava, and Kat a baby brother.


	7. Longing

The What If Factor

Chapter 7: Longing

Rating: PG-13 

**Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.**

**Author's Note: This is a short on, but I think you'll like it…**

1 year later…

Buffy's POV:

Ever since Angel came back, I had felt empty all over again. I know it sounds selfish, but I almost wanted Angel to pine for me forever, never move on.

And then he married Nina. I liked her, and she was good with the girls. She seemed to genuenly love the girls, and Angel, which made me happy. And I had Ben, whom I loved. But my mind was always drifting back to Angel. Like I said, he was my one and only. And I loved him. But, I couldn't just up and leave Ben. And, I couldn't just abandon Andy. I felt like he was mine, too.

They always say you never forget your first love. I happened to marry mine. I had never forgotten him. After I killed him, after he left, I _never_ forgot him; never stopped loving him.

Then, after Nina had Dylan, it got much much harder. He was happy again. I didn't want to screw that up. And then, my mind would drift. I would imagine what my life would be if he hadn't died; if I hadn't been remarried when he came back.

And then, it happened. Ben was out of town on business, Andy was with his Grandmother, and Willow took the girls to her place for the night to give me some peace and quiet. Of course, I had forgot to tell Angel that. So, when he showed up at the house, I had to tell him that I had forgotten to tell him. I felt bad, so I asked him to stay for dinner. He agreed.

It was nice, we talked. Like we used to. He told me that Nina had taken Dylan to her sister's for the weekend. He stayed until about ten that night, then I walked him out.

A minuet after I shut the door, someone knocked. It was Angel.

"I don't want to leave." I sighed.

"I don't want you to leave, either."

He came back inside.


	8. Togeher Again

The What If Factor

Chapter 8: Together Again.

Rating: PG-13

**Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.**

**Angel POV: **

She had smelled so good. Like I remembered she did. She still felt the same, still moved the same. I had missed her. The worst part was that I had forced myself to forget how much I loved her, but had never really forgotten at all.

I also remember the way the bed moved, how it softly creaked when we moved around. After I had gone back inside, I was home. This was still _my_ house, not _his._ And, she was still my Buffy.

We had talked some more, and then I just couldn't help it. I leaned over and kissed her.

She kissed me back.

Thats when we moved up stairs, to _our _room.

And then, we got to know each other again. The sun was shining through the window when he were finished, and she fell asleep in my arms. It felt amazing.

She was still my Buffy.

**Buffy POV:**

When I woke up, I was calm and tranquil. And then I was terrified. Angel was in my bed, I was wrapped in his arms. This wasn't good. But, at the same time, it was amazing.

I through the covers aside and put my cloths back on. He stirred awake. When he breathed my name, I froze. I slowly turned around.

"It can never happen again." And then I went into the bathroom to take a shower. When I came back out, he was gone.

I got a phone call that afternoon from Ben. I told him that everything was fine, and hoped he couldn't hear the lies in my voice.

When he came home the next day, I acted like everything was fine. Just dandy. But I felt terrible, so guilty. And he didn't know. I wanted to tell him, but knew that it would ruin my marriage. I was genuinely sorry. But every time I had a 'sorry' thought, it would get cut off by a thought that reminded me of how much I still loved Angel.

My one.

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I went a month without seeing or talking to him. But, one day, it was inevitable. I had to take the girls to the Hyperian. Angel was working on a case, and Gunn had been bagging to see the girls. I had to go inside. We went in through the garden entrance, and I could see him pacing in the lobby.

Gunn greeted us, and I remembered how much I missed him, too. He had always been a good friend, always there. Almost as soon as we walked in, he whisked the girls away for an afternoon at the beach. Angel and I were left standing there, in the lobby, alone.

This was bad. As soon as they were gone, I turned around and began to leave.

"Buffy, don't go." I heard from behind me.

"I should really go." And I really should have.

"No, we need to talk." And we did. I turned around and folded my arms over my chest.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked, hoping that it wasn't about what had happened between us.

"What do you think?" I stayed silent.

"Buffy," He said, walking closer to me. I backed up.

"We can't just forget about what happened."

"I know that! But Angel, we have different lives now. Are you really just gonna leave Nina?"

"Are you just gonna leave Ben?" Again, I stayed silent.

With him standing right there, it was just too tempting. I had to say _something_. "I love my husband."

"I'm your husband."

"Not anymore! God, why are you making this so hard!"

And before I knew it, he was kissing me again.


	9. The Affair

The What If Factor

Chapter 9: The Affair.

Rating: PG-13

**Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.**

**Buffy's POV:**

I knew it was wrong. Really, I did. But, as I layed there and watched him watch me, it felt okay. But only for a moment. My cell phone rang, so I wrapped the sheet around me, leaving Angel the comforter, and went searching for my jeans. When I finally answered it, the caller ID flashed a number that I did not recognize.

"Hello?" I asked and was surprised when it was Ben.

"Hey, I've been trying the house for ever. You told me you'd be back hours ago." He said, and I could hear the worry in his voice begin to subside.

"Yah, sorry. I got kinda wrapped up." Angel chuckled. I glared at him, warning him to be quiet. "Is there something you needed?" I asked him.

"No, just checking in. I hadn't heard from you in a few days."

"Yes well, you're bound to be busy when you have four kids to take care of." I told him, slightly irritated that he was almost expecting me to call him every day. Like I told him, I had been busy.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure things were okay." I sighed.

"I have to go." I told him.

"I love you," he told me. I just said 'goodbye' and hung up. I didn't want to say that I loved him in front of Angel. That, and I wasn't neccissarily sure if I believed it anymore.

A few hours later, we heard laughter coming from the lobey. We scrambled to find our cloths, then headed down stairs. Right before I turned the corner, he grabbed my arm, spun me around and kissed me, hard. "I love you."

"I love you," I whispered back. Then, we went down stairs.

"Mom, what are you still doing here?" Paige asked me.

"Oh, Daddy and me were just catching up." I told her.

I walked past Gunn to go to the counter and get my purse. As I did so, he whispered to me, "In the bedroom?" And gave me a wicked smirk. I didn't say anything.

**Paige's POV:**

I should have known that something was up when my divorced parents came down from the bed room. At thirteen, you start to become more aware of these things. I should have known something was up when Uncle Gunn gave Mom that smile. But, I didn't think anything of it.

Until I started to notice little things that my mother would do. She would go into her office every so often, when she got a phone call. Or she would run off during the day, leave the school. Or she'd be late to dinner.

She started having this look like I hadn't seen since my Dad had been alive the first time, when they were married.

A year later it became very apparent to me that my mother was having an affair.


	10. Secrets

The What If Factor

Chapter 10: Secrets.

Rating: PG-13

**Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.**

**Author's Note: Alrighty, my friends. I just finished taking a mid-term and have oodles of time on my hands. So, this one is longer, which is what some of you have been asking for…**

**Buffy's POV:**

Remember when I said I felt horrible? After I slept with Angel? Well, fast forward a year. I felt worse. It was no longer guilt. It was all disappointment and regret. Also, remember when I said I loved Ben? That he was my husband? I also learned that, just because you're married to someone doesn't mean that you have to love them. I did love Ben, just not in the way I had when I married him. I didn't even know if I had ever _really_ loved him like a husband. That sounds terrible, I know. But it's the truth.

I know that Ben noticed when I would be late. I suddenly made excuses to go out and slay. But, I wouldn't be slaying. Well, not in the way you would think…

Forget I said that.

Anyway, I would sneak off to see Angel. We spend time together, usually end up in bed or on a table or a counter. I was beginning to fell like I had felt when we were married, before he died. But, I also felt like I did when I had been sleeping with Spike all those years ago. I felt dirty. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, yet I continued to do it anyway.

I also began to notice that Paige was beginning to notice. She would give me this look like she knew. And, children can see the innocence on your sole. They know when you're doing something right or wrong. And I think she knew. Paige and I had always been the closest. We knew each other inside and out. Or maybe it was like that because she was just like her father. I knew him inside and out, as well. And she knew me. She asked me on more then one occasion what was going on and I flat out lied to her. The one thing I said I'd never do was lie to my kids about my life. And that was exactly what I was doing.

Now, I'm not going to deny loving every second I was with Angel. He and I are one person, always have been. I just felt so complete when I was with him. I felt right again. And then I would go home and have to look Ben in the eyes. I had to lye awake at night and watch him sleep, knowing that he thought that everything was ok. I didn't say anything to Willow or Xander, either. I just couldn't face it. Like I said, it was like I was with Spike all over again.

And that's what made it worse. Spike started coming around again. Don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you. But he would corner me in the cemeteries and tell me that he could smell Angel all me. How he knew what was going on. He could smell my fear and worry when I was around Ben. I told him he was crazy. He told me I was a lier.

**Angel's POV:**

It was wrong. I knew that. I had Nina and Dylan now. She had put up with all my distance crap when I had been at Wolfram and Heart, and forgiven me when I had just ended it with her when Buffy told me that we had a chance to make it work. She had trusted me again. And now, I was disrespecting that trust. I was always going into work early or staying late, or going out on Patrol until the wee hours of the morning. But that, of course, wasn't what I was _really_ doing. I was going to meet Buffy.

But, when I was with her, my current life just fell away. I felt like I had felt when she was in High School, the way I felt when we were married. And everything seemed ok. Until I went home to Nina. I had to look at her, see all the hope she had for our marriage, and for our son's future. I knew that it killed her that Connor called Buffy 'Mom.' When she had married me, she had felt as if Connor was her son, and treated him like one. But she would never be Buffy to Connor.

Or to me.

And that's what hurt her the most.

So, how was I supposed to tell her that I was having an affair with Buffy, the one person she had striven to be, before I told her that she was perfect for me just the way she was. How was I supposed to tell her, that for a year I had been lying, being with the 'Other Woman" instead of being with her, making love to someone else.

It would absolutely devastate her.

She couldn't know.

But, what was I supposed to do? Just have an affair for the rest of my life? Lie to my _wife_ for the rest of hers? Make my son think that every thing was just fine and dandy between his mother and me?

We would find out soon enough.

**Buffy's POV:**

Remember when I said that the night Angel came to see me would be the night that began the decade that would ruin our lives? Well, when Angel married Nina, that had seemed like it was it. And then when Dylan came along, it forced the both of us to move on. But the fact that we now had different people counting on us, trusting us, was what made our Affair all the more painful. You'd think that that would be enough.

But the ruin had yet to come.


	11. Pain

The What If Factor

Chapter 11: Pain.

Rating: PG-13

**Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.**

**Buffy's POV:**

I should have known.

When I looked at the clock and noticed that Bill would be home in an hour, I should have told Angel to leave. But then we fell asleep.

**Paige's POV:**

When I got home from school, my mom and Ben were arguing. I heard something shatter, so I wandered up stairs. I saw a suit case open on the bed, cloths and such hanging out of it. It was all Ben's stuff. I had an idea of what was going on. My mom looked tired as she yelled, and Ben looked angry and hurt as he yelled. Then I noticed my Dad in the corner, looking, well, not looking like anything at all, really, not saying anything.

And it became apparent who my mother's accomplice had been.

She had been seeing my father.

I thought that that's who it had been. It had just made sense. And now it was obviously true. I had never really seen my mother as being that kind of person, and she wasn't. She had just been with the person she loved the most. I'm not saying that it was right, for she had done it while she was still married to Ben. I'm just saying that it almost made sense... in a twisted sort of way.

But, what came next was the last thing I expected.

**Buffy's POV:**

When you wake up to "Get the hell outta my bed!" You know that it's only going to get worse. I had been asleep, but when I heard the all familiar voice of my second husband, I sat straight up. I looked from an extremely angry Ben, to an almost terrified Angel. He was pushed back against the head board so far, you'd think he'd be in the next room.

"Ben, what are you doing here?" The second those words came out of my mouth, I knew what a stupid question it had been. He lived there.

"What am _I_ doing here?" He asked in a mix of anger and confusion, "What is _he_ doing here?"

I would have said that I could explain, but I didn't have to. Ben had seen it. He stormed out of the room, and Angel and I quickly redressed ourselves. He came back into the room moments later with a suitcase, and began packing his things. I didn't try to stop him. He had the right to leave. He had every right. I didn't say anything, actually.

Until the yelling started.

"How long has this been going on?" He asked. I hung my head and quietly said,

"A year."

"A year?" He stormed over to the closet. "I can't believe you've been doing this behind my back for a _year_!" He roared, tearing shirts off the hangers. "How could you do this? We're supposed to be _married_! Married people don't do this! And you," He said, pointing to Angel, "You're married, too! How could you pull this shit on your wife! You have a child with this woman!" And that's what got me thinking. Angel did have a child with Nina. After Ben took Andy and left, we'd probably never talk to each other again. Sure, the girls would see and hand out with Andy, but Ben and I had no other ties to each other then our marriage. But Angel had a son with Nina. That complicated things.

"God, Buffy, this was the _last_ thing I expected from you. After you tried to sell me that shit about you being over him! I just can't believe it!"

"Ben, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry that I had an affair. I'm sorry that I hurt you and betrayed your trust. But, if you want me to stand here and try to justify my actions, I'm not going to do that. I know that I was wrong, but I don't have any excuses. You have been nothing but wonderful to me. You've treated me with the upmost respect, and done nothing but love me. I am truly sorry. But that's all I can give you."

He just shook his head and closed the suit case. When he turned around, Paige was standing there, looking anything but surprised. Like she had known all along. Bill walked towards her and said, "Paige, would you go get Andy and help us pack his things?" She nodded, then ran off. Ben took one more look at me, then walked out of the room. I stayed away until Andy came in to hug me goodbye. I told him I'd talk to him soon.

And that was it. They left. I asked Paige to take Ava and Kat out in the back yard. I had to talk to Daddy.

**Paige's POV**:

I knew. It was one of those times when I just knew. If you haven't figured it out yet, I have a lot of those moments. But, I was a teenager, I got it. I knew that they were leaving. I hadn't been out back to "play" in at least two years. But, when I Mom asked me, I knew that her and Dad were gonna get into it. And they didn't want us in the house.

Which meant that when Daddy walked out that night, it might have been the last time he set foot in our house again.

**Buffy's POV:**

I could feel his eye's on me. They were burning a hole through my back. I felt him come closer to me. I couldn't take it. So much had happened, I just couldn't take that side show we called a relationship at that time. "Can you just go?" I asked, feeling sorry the second I said it.

"Why? Don't you think-" I whorled around.

"I don't really know what I think. I just need some time to register all of this."

"I don't want to go. I want to stay with you, with my daughters."

"Well, I need you gone."

I could practically feel him roll his eyes. He sighed in frustration. "Dammit, Buffy," He cried, walking away from me. "You don't get to do this. You don't get to make me believe that we have a chance again, a chance with my girls, and then tare it away from me!"

"This isn't about you and me, this is about your son!" I blurted out. Angel just looked at me. "Dylan has nothing to do with this."

"He has everything to do with this!" I roared, not understanding why he didn't get it. "If you leave Nina, then you leave Dylan, too."

"That's crap and you know it." He said, shaking his head. "If Nina and I broke up, she's not the kind of person to keep Dylan from me. She would be an adult about it. She wouldn't hold grudges, or spend the next three years living off of 'what ifs' and 'could haves.'" And then he turned around and stormed out. I was just left standing there, in our bedroom, knowing that he was right.


	12. What If

The What If Factor

Chapter 12: What If.

Rating: PG-13

**Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.**

**Author's Note: Sorry for the name mix up last chapter. Ben kinda became Bill twice. But, he's gone now, so it doesn't really matter, does it?**

**Buffy's POV:**

What If.

Have you ever thought about how much you say those words?

What If.

What if I hadn't taken that turn? What If I had studied? What If I had told the truth? What If I had told him how I really felt? What If I hadn't made that decision?

I, too have a list of what If's.

What If I had never let Angel back into my life? What If I had never married him? What If he hadn't died. What If he hadn't come back.

And then there are those that pre-date our marriage.

What If I hadn't killed him? What If he hadn't left after the Assention? What If I remembered him turning human? And then there's the big one: What If I had never met him at all?

But, I know the answers for all of the What If's I've created for my self. I wouldn't have three amazing daughters. I wouldn't have the life I have now. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't have all this drama. I wouldn't feel so conflicted, or hurt, or angry at myself for betraying the man that loved me? I had treated Bill horribly in the last year of our marriage, and he didn't even know it.

I wouldn't have made the decisions I had made. I wouldn't have imposed on Dawn for three years, of abandoned Willow and Xander to run the school.

I kept telling myself that the six years we had been married were so peaceful. No drama. Well, not exactly true. There's _always_ something going on when you have three daughters.

Willow and Xander. I have my own list for What If's with them. I've known them for as long as I've known Angel. I may even know them better then I know him, and myself. But, I had left them with so much to deal with. Willow lived a few houses down from me and Angel, Xander a street or two over. Not only had I asked them to watch the house and make sure all of my bills got to me, but I basically forced them to jump into the school head first. It was just them and Giles. Faith helped out where she could. It wasn't fair to them. I ran out on them like I did before.

Something I told myself and them that I would never do again.

And Giles. Boy, there's a list. He treated me like a daughter, and I just left him in the dust.

But, no matter how much I tried to get away from my "Angel Problems," no matter how many times I run away, they always come back to bite me in the ass. I think it has something to do with that Fight or Flight Response thing. I usually stay. Fight. Stand my ground. But, no. Not with Angel. I flew away from him and his memory every chance I got. He was the source of my pain. And you must have learned by now that I don't like pain. Not emotional pain.

I hadn't talked to Angel for almost a month. Willow and Gunn did most of the running back and forth with the girls. I honestly had no reasoning for not seeing Angel. I convinced my self that it would hurt too much. When, really, Angel had done nothing to hurt me. I was just running away.

Something I apparently did very well...


	13. Epilog

The What If Factor

Chapter 13: Epilog

Rating: PG-13

**Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.**

**Paige's POV:**

My mother was driving me crazy. She refused to anywhere _near_ the city. Anywhere that my father might be, she stayed away from. She didn't want to talk about him. Oh, and then there was the way she had Aunt Willow and Uncle Gunn running us back and forth.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the old man, but you can only take so much of riding in a car with Uncle Gunn.

Finally, I saw my mom wallowing in her self pity once again. It was right around what would have been thirteen-year anniversary. And my mother was practically a wreck. So, I called my father.

I told him that I knew what had happened.

I told him that they were both acting stupid.

I told him that if he wanted to save their marriage, that he had to get his butt over to the house ASAP.

He told me that I was too young to be meddling in my parents business.

I told him that I made it my business when I had to sit in a car with Uncle Gunn for twenty minuets, having to listen to him talk about his old "life on the street." That's when he said that he would come and talk to her.

After we hung us was when I told my mom that I was taking my sisters to Aunt Willows, and that she might want to consider putting on something other then her bath robe.

I do admit, I was a wicked child.

**Buffy's POV:**

When the door bell rang, I had just been pulling on my jeans. I went to the door, but stopped. But, you see, I stopped after I had already answered the door, and saw Angel starring back at me. Before I could think, I shut the door. I leaned against it, knowing that he wasn't just going to go away. "Buffy, open the door?" He practically pleaded.

"No!" I yelled back.

"Buffy, please-"

"No! Go home, Angel!"

Did I mentioned that he never told Nina? As in he was still married to her? Well, he was.

"Buffy, please. Just open the door, we have to talk about this."

"What is there to talk about?" I asked myself out loud. Finally, I opened the door.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I want you." He said, simply. I looked away.

"Angel-"

"Just don't, Buffy. I love you, you love me, what's wrong with that?" He asked.

"You're still married." I said, more quietly.

"Not for long." He said. I looked back at him, but didn't question him. I didn't want to know. If he and Nina were still married, then I didn't have to face anything. He must have known my intentions, because he told me anyway.

"I couldn't stand lying to her anymore. So, I told her about the affair, and she wants out, like I knew she would." I sighed. This was really happening. He and Nina were over, and we were free to be together, but did I really want that?

**Paige's POV:**

I was quite proud of myself. I had practically handed my father to my mother on a silver plate. But, when I got home with my sister's, I was severely discouraged. My dad wasn't there. I didn't say anything to Mom as I trudged up the stairs.

"Why do you look so glum?" She asked from behind me. "You're father only went to get his stuff." When I turned around, I saw something in my mother's eye's that I hadn't seen since the day before my dad died.

I saw happiness.

**Buffy's POV:**

Angel and I talked about everything. We told truths, we made promises, we made up. It's strange. For years, I had been asking myself all of these questions. But, the second i looked into his eye's, I knew.

Knew that he loved me.

Knew that we had to be together.

And that was it.

You were expecting some huge, climactic ending, weren't you? But, thats all there was to it. When we could look into each other's eyes, and saw each other's soles, we just knew.

Knew that nothing had changed.

He came back a few hours later, with his things. But, I'd be lying if I told you that that was the end of it. We didn't just fall back into a groove. It took a long time for us to learn to live together again.

For goodness sakes, I wouldn't let him see me naked for a month.

I still loved him, but it's just not an easy thing. See, when we were having an affair, it was easier to be with him in that way because I was running from something. But, when we got back together, _really_ back together, it was hard.

Because I realized that he was the thing I was running from.

The whole time, I thought it was my marriage to Ben, and how I had found that I really didn't love him anymore. But, I was really running from the fact that I didn't love Ben because I loved Angel.

I was just too confused to see it.

But, now that I do, I realize how stupid I was. To marry Ben, I mean. Because, I can never be over Angel. It just doesn't work like that.

Angel is my one.

**Fin**


	14. AUTHORS NOTE:IMPORTANT

**The What If Factor**

**Hey Guys. So, I've been thinking about it, and i realized that when i posted my crapy ending (it's ok, i know it kinda sucked) i was just ready to be done with the story.**

**Well, I was thinking about re-doing the ending. **

**Same story, but new ending, something twice as angsty.**

**I just wanted to get some input, to see if you guys really wanted a new ending, and what you think it should be like.**

**Let me know!**

**Thanks,**

**Shannon**


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